Hallucinating Reality...!

I took that stroll of mine.... at the desired time of my day when darkness has shrouded the world.... listening to Omar’s Passage into Midnight... swinging my hand like it was making love to the strings of a violin.... I love this time of mine....it’s like standing perpetually under a mistletoe kissing the sweetness of one’s own existence... my walk through the forest of my thoughts.... wondering over the remnants of all that happened during the day... and how I pained to pen it down to words... not all the time can one do it...


And it is that moment that I had relived that exact day when I had seen Dr Flake and Ms Hide in one of those crazy excursions I had taken... a sojourn with unknown acquaintances, a tent in the forest, trekking through unknown terrain and it was on one such trip that I met this guy.... the exhaustion of the trek that was trying to die out in the midst of a bonfire and with people trying to drown their fatigue in spirit and music.... sitting leaning against the bark of an old tree... the light against him... just the shadow of a silhouette.... a muscular body, the one that women would just want to look so longingly at and give those very silent sighs ...

I walked up to this shadow, wine in hand, hoping to strike up that conversation... which I hoped would satiate one’s curiosity... just those simple questions of who are u... what do u do... do u live in (hopefully the city where I live...etc etc....) ... and with that hope walked up to him.... and said the proverbial hi.... he looked up from his glass (realized that he had been staring at the still liquid floating in his glass for a while).... and smiled... stood up and came out of the shadows.... it was like a blessing emerging... that one single moment of happiness that one searches for.... it was the pair of eyes that had captured that instantaneous moment of satisfaction that we yearn for.... a pair that I had never ever seen before... deep, silent, pacifying and loving.... it was a sight that would take away the fatigue of the day.... eyes that u would implore to have touch every sensation of your being.... just sampling the check you out look!!!

The conversation went on for a while... more a monologue.... with me doing the talking and his eyes and lips usually in synchronicity nodding away in agreement or just smiling in disagreement.... it wasn’t the need to listen to my own voice that made me continue speaking as much as to watch that smile that would gush into his eyes making my whole world dance.... sensing the slightest of sensations.... feeling the earth revolve, the slight so slow movement, the slight crackling of the bonfire which was on its way of dying out... the touch of that slight doggamer that grazed through my hand earlier that morning... a web I just didn’t see but the slightest of its glue that I felt....

I stopped suddenly, turned, and walked away... fully aware of the abruptness of the halt.... my ears were blistering ... for no reason whatsoever... I walked away abashed and ashamed.... “Isn’t he something? Did he make your heart pound; I see your ears are searing..... Well, that is the effect he has on all”... a voice whispered into my ear... I turned to see this little lady looking up at me.... and despite her slight stature and demeanour she had managed to whisper these so comforting words right into my ear....

These are those well defined moments that occur in one’s lifetime.... a flash when someone from the world of homo sapiens includes you in the race and the very fact of inclusion disbars you from festering any adversarial feelings towards humanity.... I looked at her relieved and strained and said “yes ... there is something magnetic about him....and I wonder what?”..... She smiled, took my hand seated me on a tree trunk that seemed to have been put there at that very moment for me.... it was like being in touch with your roots.... ironically!!! “Well, he is a lesbian....and that is the reason he has this effect on you!”....

Funny are the ways of the human language....”Gay you mean... !”..... “No, I meant a lesbian....” and she smiled....”do you recall how he introduced himself...? What did he say was his name?” I pressed the rewind button... reeling back moments of my talking to him...”hi,” he had said” “I am Flake Anna Hide”.... and not for one moment had it struck me as being different... a guy with a girl’s name.....”U mean he is a girl trapped in a man’s body? I don’t understand....!”

And what ensured was a tale that I had never ever heard before.... a tale that is impossible to believe in..... that left me wondering of the varying impossibilities of the human psyche... and the fear of delving deep into anyone’s or for that matter one’s own psyche.... a person with 2 personalities.... one as a man and the other as a woman.... it sounds absurd but true... I just cannot recall his name beyond Flake right now... this was a Dr Flake and Ms Hide.... a lady most of the times hiding in the shadows of a Flake.... he had moved through life with these 2 personalities... coexisting beautifully ... appealing to people the way HE needed to.... and one would wonder at times who he really was.... who was the overriding personality... was it the guy or the girl....

There could be a lot of psychoanalyses that one could possibly do on this... the what and the why.... however; at that moment when I was told about the truth (or was it the truth?) just one thought struck me.... what is it about him that attracted me the most...his male demeanour or his just so soft and deep eyes.... whatever it was, the feeling was that of making out.... so often women talk about the times when they make out with their loved and not so loved ones... of the magical and the not so magical moments...guess the magical moments when one is touched the way one wants to be.... and at times I wonder if it is really true that only a woman knows how another woman should be touched? Somehow, I thought ...’I guess not’... he had touched my existence just the way I had wanted him to...

Embarrassed by these thoughts I moved on... wondering on the shreds of human nature... you touch a human being and what you get is a small flake of it... the little that you know and have reached out to.... and when you meet the person again, it’s something different again... like a snake that sloughs off its skin and grows a new one.... is it a new being all together? One really wonders..... and what’s more intriguing is the impact that one event has on you... and the ripple effect it creates.... the linking of unrelated moments... as if we WANT to link them.... and somehow somewhere in that moment of truth when I had recognized the ambivalence of Dr Flake and Ms Hide, was ingrained my moment of understanding my self mate... (as against a soul mate which recognizes the existence of the other... the self mate in love with oneself!)

It was all about a person struggling to work through innumerable and inane priorities.... we prioritise our work, ourselves, our needs, our work life.... and somewhere hidden amidst all of that was the need of the person to look at things as they are... as the self wishes it to be.... Flake and Hide had managed to sift through the myriad moments of a perfectly routine day seeking solace in the immediate of that self that was supreme at that moment in time... so, if Flake was the power, it was the strong man.... and if Hide decided to come forth, it was the softness that burst out... both blending in one being.... the world saw it as schizophrenia... a disorder.... I see it as the sub conscious self enabling a person to deal with all that one desires ... just at THAT moment in time – power and submissiveness, strength and gentleness ... all of the yin and yang rolled into one....

“If we talk to God, its prayer... if God talks to us its schizophrenia!?” one wonders of the irony of this statement..... And Flake Hide had been diagnosed Schizophrenic!!!! And it was as if at that precise moment I felt God talking to me... the schizophrenia in me surfacing.... a man walking through the night in pitch darkness bursting his torch through the wilderness lightened a small part of an overgrown shrub; and as if destiny just then would so have it.... the headlights of a passing vehicle cloaked it with a beam.... Life was such I guess when we see moments of reality wearing the veil of truth peering at us through those small fissures, unveiling the paramecium disparities between one another in our lives...and then we see them all fused together revealing the so called bigger picture, the whole being.... Moments of schizophrenia!!!! Listening to the sound of the fission in our fusions....

The story of Flake and Hide was all encompassing the reality of each of our existence.... MY existence.... the real me or us revealing in its most vulnerable, soft and weak moments ....to our alter egos and to our self and soul mates... dancing through together hallucinating each other’s reality....

'Love is Blind...' - a breathtaking sentiment

The heat of warm water snuggling down your throat
A feeling of affection like the touch of a finger stroking a bare neck....
Thrusting a feeling that surge out in a raging form... flowing through the strokes....
Imagining the fondles through the flashes that one captures in those quintessential moments
Where the eye searches for the source
And then satisfied of its continued presence re-confides to darkness...

There is certain softness to darkness,....
Like the feel of satin, the momentous blending in its enormity...
a sanctuary in reaching out the known someone with eyes shut...
a self assurance of being loved in an sightless presence
a refuge for a selfish love reciprocated with selfish irresistibleness

Darkness.... a time which helps you comprehend need behind the act
The reason for the need and thereby the self himself....
Have spent hours through the darkness with and without the source
Attempting to appreciate the uniqueness of that self
Reading a logic in the actions

Life has been with him a series of soft dark moments
Believing in each other’s selves in moments of high and not so high
in times of low and responding to its depths....
and thereby creating one another

I have grown in this night.... there is a certain softness in this night,
with the stars all shining out....
the irony of this felt in a hot day afternoon....

My Time Tells....!

The clock on the wall and the watch on the wrist
all telling time... of time telling moments
an occasion, an instance ... a spell!!
The moment when a vision becomes a picture
the picture a being, and the being a kiss...
the gentlest of touch ... a moment in time...
the kiss... like the ticking of a micro second

Time is a feeling... an mood that sets an event in motion
a sentiment that expresses reactions...
a sensation... of numbing and tinkling of nerves
The time of conception, labour, birth and death... all moments of feeling....
Capturing the rest... happiness, love, sadness,.... love....
Only Time can Tell..... the feelings of one and all...

I am looking through the diary of my thoughts...and think through the decades...
the times I have loved, not so loved, being loved and not so much so...
And ecapsulated in all these feelings are those innumerable tick tock moments
maturing me from one second to the other....
The moments in me have grown... and therefore ME!!!

Swaying with the Wind.... with Ashleys' and Butlers'!

It doesn’t take that too long a time to figure out that life has changed unless someone doesn’t really want to recognize it... though of course it pre-empts the fact that knowledge exists.... it was one such evening.... walking through a slightly chilly breeze; the slight nip in the air, hair let loose, with music flowing into my ears blocking every external sound out and watching the slimmer than the real shadow in front of me.... there was a slight rain, droplets and then dropulets.... One wonders if they are all related... maybe yes... they need to be.... at least that is what Eliot said! In the End was my Beginning!!!

The walk was crisp, brisk initially a tiredness wearing in slowly with the decrease of the pace... so was life.... it had worn itself out and it was time to wear a new one! One wonders if we can wear a new one in the absence of death.... the not so spiritual me asking this question often; maybe one can... the walk was torn between varying maybes!

It was the walk that one usually takes round the place you live... round and round... life goes in circles like this evening walk of mine.... reliving the days moments of happiness and sadness blended into one coming back in different packages instilling nostalgia!! How different was yesterday from today? Not just the walk... but the days as well.... maybe tomorrow will be different... my favourite word... tomorrow... its yet another day! Hopefully, I will meet my Clark Gable then!

Life is about that one long string of nostalgic moments...weird but true.... looking for autobiographical moments in television serials, intelligent conversations, emotional discussions ... it’s like being stuck at a traffic signal, u get the green ,drive a few feet and then get stuck again! U move slowly for some time, speed a bit when the lane gets better and then get a signal again! This goes on ...relationship after relationship after relationship.... it’s like walking into a store and being asked to display all your wares... the fun is showing all that you have the expensive and the not so expensive one... and THEN the person walks away...let me look at another store... “Will come back after having tried somewhere else”.... it’s the price, the colour, the commodity!!!!! Always, the relationship shopped as commodities!! They usually come back.... its settling for the achievable and leaving an (un)settling moment to be born....

And it is at this time that I keep wondering... I am walking now with both my feet on the ground! Thinking through my feeling... Literally, maybe figuratively I am not... always thought its best to be on cloud 9; or at least a few feet above the ground... not wanting to get someone else to sweep me off my feet... or should I just keep waiting?

Guess the walk has come to its natural end... life’s full circle... I got to go back! And take that one thought into bed that ‘when people come together, they need to stay together’.... (I know I read that somewhere... wonder where?) It’s the time of the day when I tell myself safely secure in my Tara taking an oath that I will never ever go emotionally hungry again.... waiting to field through the tomorrow....

It’s the light at the end of the tunnel for me!!!

Frozen Fires...!

I have felt for long a certain pain that stops at a certain point
A pain that nags on and thus stays
Staying with it till one gets used to it....
Learns to live with it and
Often cries in the darkness of the night
Face down on the pillow
With hair falling over the shoulders

It is the pain that nags and doesn't delve deeper or rise into a blaze
It stays frozen leading to a despairable helplessness
A pain that lies suspended between nowhere
Moving from a nothingness to another nothingness...

Wherefore Henceforth..?

Life goes on and so does everything else; even after having lost that
One precious thing that you always had.

Today, as I sat watching images of reality that often brought tears in my eyes (as it did today) too,
I wondered how he felt about himself and those around him…

Like a blind assassin he walked into my life…
Fielding his way, paving a path through emotions
Growing seeds of faith and belief

Its my life now of challenges and being challenged
Of ways, and waywardness
Of frequent visits and visitations….

Fireflies....!

Streams of heat melting into moulds of varying colours. Seeking shapes of wantonness. Buried in deep sublimity of the fervor … the cycle of birth –death-rebirth was all-explicit in this intricate story of the candle and its flickering light. The cycle of life – the story of passion told by the fireflies!

The Candle of Heat as molten frozen into moulds… shaped through wanted shapes… befitting and beautifying the corners of elite ness! Signifying romance, passion, demureness, and the softening flame caressing through the dark, smoothening the wrinkles of maturity, the melting polish flowing through and around the frozen moulds melting it further….

The fireflies had danced through the night… witnessing the story of tempering and intensifying… It was all the known mystery of reeling in realms of ecstasy! ... about melting, the flowing and merging of one form into the other…. The emerging of the same in another form!

The cycle of birth-death-rebirth, of the melting, flowing and emerging. A series of melting highs and freezing lows! An embrace of hardened ire by drenched passion. A sequence of blissful life … time eludes one and all… the flame of life flickers and in its moment of death brightens the most, spurts of delight and vanishes into thick rings of smoke… circling …lingering for longer moments waiting for the darkness to recede … flames dimming for light to emerge!

The candle had led its life for the night! Experienced the passion of the night, embraced the desire of yielding in. It had danced the yin and yang of life!

"Wordsworth"ian Thoughts...!

I often hear a voice in me singing
The soft tones of a lullaby
Gently drifting me to a different world
Where a form comes by

I hold his hand which caresses me
With joy, love and affection
I hold his hand and lift my gaze
Look up with wonder and with daze
I speak with unspoken words to him
What do want from me? And in what form?

With twinkling eyes and a knowing glance
I see him going far beyond
The hand that I held goes further off
The gaze I see seems melting off

Yet, what power it holds the bond that lies
And, at that distance the answer lies
Thoughts that move between feeling minds
Those thoughts just felt and sensed
The person felt so far yet near
But a being that stays as mine as dear …

Raining Monsoons...!

Glimpses…. A moment in time… a moment in truth
Momentous early showers droplets
Lashing through trees, striking leaflets, slicing through life.
A clump of trees, and a road winding
Eyes tracing droplets, tracing its purity unscathed till it reaches the earth.
Tracing the line of light enlightened like fine drops
Light travels faster… yet not faster than thought
In the flicker of an eyelash
Images rushing through... developed of yesteryears

Metaphors cavalcade at times… sensations gush, emotions surge
Through wringing words.. reigning passions to purge
Like the bursting of a blushing twilight before the monsoon
The collapse of the first drops on parched soil
Thundering forecasts of yesteryears.. lightening nostalgic prospects
All tied together within a single drop… the past, present and future…
Droplets of downpour.. a trickle of desire to torrential deluges!
The growth of birth and the aspirations associated
The love of mist augmenting, dewdrops drizzling, raindrops sliding
Momentous movements of hidden transparency through fragile diaphany to powerful obscurity….
Binding blind to a sense of blindness

The beginning of life falling through pure space.
Is life the descent, impure in its end, work done?
Or an ascent with closure ...
Perception of thought of knowledge of those yesteryears
Leaping back into future. Erasing and rewriting.. me and my self
Living the knowledge of falling in love and rising in person
Riding the crests of adolescence and troughs of maturity
Like monsoonal rains –
Selves waxing and waning through self indulged priorities!

Flow of Life...!

I have often watched the smooth flow of memory
Drifting through the paths of yesteryears
And when it does…

I think of those tomorrows
Which shall come as bright as daylight
Having traveled the dark dreams of the night

It is often that I shall think of today as yesterday,
Cherish those moments and let it linger on for a while
There lies the difference between now and then
NOW I have felt that grip of your palm and the warmth of your embrace
Telling me more than words sought in oral talk
It is THEN that the NOW envelops me and makes me feel the immense loss

Its just a question of time they say
Little knowing that with time the agony grow and with this the suffering too!!
Like the pain felt by the drop of water that runs down the slippery window
In full knowledge that it is slipping by – its own nature causing the nature of the pane

Like that drop of water we learn to flow
With the passage of time we learn to pass on with the longing
Learn to look at our face with the imprint of that which was experienced which hardened us
And softened our tears till there was nothing left in it

Seasons....!

It’s the cycle of nature.... of nurture....
Birth... growth and its future....
Its a similar cycle that happened at the turn of the millennium...
a cycle of search, research....
A cycle that experienced a growth, a maturity, a love and a sense of belonging...
A cycle that started as a need ... grew to a fondness and back to a need...
The needs being different though....
It was the seasons that nurtured this need...

Summer musings... Summer nights... warm and sultry....
a time to stare up at the see-through sky
We have done that often together... longing for openness
seeking the pole star amidst chaos and confusion
Fought and seen stars ...
sought pleasures amongst pressures.... high temperatures and hence low pressures....
Hurt and be hurt, knowingly and unknowingly
Felt the heat of the warm breeze and the tenderness of the need ... a need to conceal the minimum...
Summer was the starter... the pitcher... the drink that set us off...

Rains... Monsoons hit us... with storms
unleashing a wave of emotions... belonging, possession,
It saw the clouds of turbulence...
the pressures of flight and landing
Together we smelt the fragrance of seminal earth ...
There was a blend - Fire, Earth, Water, Air
Heat, Balance, Flow, Flight... we had experienced the need...
the need to empathize.... we had known it all!

Winters.... Autumn... the Fall!
New leaves had come... old ones to leave...
We HAD to turn over a new leaf...
It was the time of seeking warmth in the external...
a time now to slip out and slip in to new attires.
We groped for the known in the dark... knowing the seemingly unknown
We knew what was beneath ... we had seen it all...
we had felt the feel, heard the chord... and seen the sight...
of the need to be THERE... JUST THERE...

Summers vaporized.... Monsoons receded...Winters froze...
Impacting us...
Giving colours to a bond that goes beyond the cycle of nature....
Red to Green and Red... Young to youth through maturity...
Aiding a nurture of relationship.. guided by
a thought that didn’t need thinking... thought by the heart
a feeling felt by the head
a timeless understanding

Summer need of FIRE, Monsoons of EARTH, Autumn of AIR.... flowing with the tide of one need to another...
There is none now... it is salvation...

I now sit back thinking of the now.. Seasoned with maturity...
The NOW "I" as in THEN..
The atom of an eternal lover.... a lover of this relationship...NAMELESS
We have parented a relationship... conceived, labored, delivered and nurtured...
.... Hoping to stay on as this... till Death Do Us Apart!!!!!!!!!!

Look up and feel the surge....

A life of challenges and being challenged
Of highs and lows
Smiles and tears
Of ways, and waywardness
Of frequent visits and visitations….

Me in full Blossom!!!

I wonder how a person feels on blossoming to adulthood
The feeling of something bursting in you
Waiting in eagerness to erupt the passion and give forth something to life

Is this how it feels?
When a certain longing arises…

The feeling of a light colored petal slowly fluttering in the balmy breeze
Waiting for someone to pick up its fragrance?

Slide Along Life!!!

I have seen my years sliding by
Striking the clock with its hands on time
And having seen it have experienced
The happiness and sorrow
That has come and gone with the sheer flow of it…

And often when the flow comes back to me
There is the wonder that comes with it
The wonder of having lasted through the years
Crying, cringing, and smiling

It is the same which makes me hope to
Wake up tomorrow and face the new morning sun
And see its wonders working again…

Mohter & Child :)

I seemed to have missed the beats of time
That strikes the chords of my existence
An existence, which looks with hope
To the poetry in the tiny anklets of my feet

Those tiny bells in which I put a little life
Like a mother smothering it with kisses
And feeding it with the pure drink of my emotions
Where have they left me for?

Have they found a better being?
Or have they grown into a wayward adult
Where have I lost my touch with them?
Why can’t it merge with me and render me richer than ever?

Reams of Dreams!!

Humming through misty moments with songs of sweet nothings
Yet instilling in it an emotion of wonder and joy

What notes break through these closed minds?
When the love for being alone sings in longing hearts

Its then that images of a wonderful togetherness that drifts by
And hand in hand with that image
I trudge along longing for pleasanter days

Dreams and dreams are all that one lives by
What cause and what effect does it sustain itself with?

Whose lens is it anyway!

Beauty they say lies in the eyes of the beholder!
Behold then the multiple perceptions of reality ....
amidst the varied threads of relationships....

Dear road,... lead on!

I walked through long winding roads,
to destinations known and unknown
with friends new and old....
The journey was a series of photographic moments captured then...
and now recaptured in words...!

Laughter and Anger, scowls and smiles... Emotions etched in nature...
A look at what nature creates and recreates as our emotions ...

Look Back Into The Future....!

It was a persistent longing
A nagging wish –
For that deep and knowing nod and smile…
From that someone, who you know so well…

I wait and look for it, and gradually feel it at every instant,
And when it comes back,
My mind dances to the rhythm of that touch

The past comes to me like the angel of truth
Spreading the brightness of truth around her
She arrives like the forest on fire
Blazing to devastate the wilderness which stunt the growth of beauty

It is that one moment that I longed for
That one knowing moment
That moment of togetherness

It is that skein of togetherness
Which anchored our lives together
Which embroidered those two long decades

It was that skein which went through they eye of my needle
And instilled in me an impulse to stitch the hem of my life

As days went by I realized that it was only the hem that was sewed
There was so much still left to sew
So much more to design and fashion
Out of one’s thoughts, experiences and emotions

My mind then travels forward in the space of time
Trying to bridge the past with the future;
And perceives that image when at the brink of life
ME – the tailor of my LIFE – visualizing
That huge garment which had till then adorned me

At that brink of Life – I felt –
I wouldn’t want to see a ‘waste of wasted years’… not anymore…

Life Between Lashes...

Life is Moments -cherished and loved
Leaving its mark on one’s soul and leaving…
They come in hours and days but leave in moments
Days accumulate
What we see are the months and years
Receding slowly like the tide –carrying away tidings

Life standing on a sea shore
Feet sinking into sand watching the water recede – a semblance of low tide
Water running under our feet…and going back in serenity
The same drops at high tide rushing back, later hitting, lashing high…
Water droplets are like moments cutting through the skin of our life
Like glass – its sharpness, the image hurting
It’s a cycle of the ebb and flow…

Its all about seeing and not seeing
Eyes stay open when images recedes; but close on peaks
An insight – Eyes closing at all peaks – happiness, fear, love, faith, ecstasy, heights…
Of not blinking during need, desperation, loneliness, agony…

Life is that sensation felt between the ebb and surge of waves
Life is a series of moments captured between blinks –
Between the lashes of capturing and letting go

To another life… Beyond the NOW!

It’s not been so long ago… me walking through a labyrinth of words present
Perhaps in another world, in another consciousness,
This world inhabited with whisperings of desires of another lifetime,
Of unresolved issues and unrequited love… Perhaps in this lifetime, in this instantaneous moment one would see all that coming true…
I have seen all these yearnings come true in the eye of my mind… feeling the reality of it with my heart and knowing its presence…
But was that abundance?
It was only a plethora of my ability to sing out my intentions, of turning the beginning of every letter that reads my life into a sequence of sounds that sing his journey…
A journey that surges with a madness that rises with our love and flows with my weeping – tears of joy and then of satisfaction…

I have breathed thousands of moments of happiness – not knowing what made them happy…
I have got drunk on the infinite feeling of satiety that circled the aura of my universe…
I had transliterated Rumi to my life telling him “You are the taste in every lip, the intention of every religion …” there were no distinctions…

In that momentary outrageous act of faith, had brought in a synchronous frenzy little realizing that there was a fury building in… the fury of being drawn to a force stronger than myself, of being engulfed by a force that swept me off my heel….

There is a world beyond….
I had to be the source of my life, not the result of his…

There is a reason for patterns… we have read through the patterns of regression, the archetypes of a historical psyche and the sketches of a nebulous imminent… comprehended the patterns of those innumerable passing away of our valiant souls….

There are more lives to be lived with oneself and those to be treasured with others… a time to be felt with the head and reflected by the heart…. I am ready to move on….

We have translated Rumi … I have moved on…. and so has he…

Time Lines

Time Lines

Palms that wrinkle and soften with time … it’s spatial!
An event that occurs through traversing distances
… And endorses its images in the time lines of my palm.

Time Lines change
And with these changes we look into our eyes to witness it – not happy always. Smiling through with tears
Modifying all that we know of human nature after Darwin.

Defying options of natural selection
A blameless puppet trying to transform the end of ethics
Is this possible? The journey through relationships – either onward or upward!

Life is not about relationships, and neither is it about emotions… it is moments spanning through ones time lines –
Moments ingrained in the palm of our hand
Moments that embed themselves and struggle out through the pores as sweat…

I have lived these past days watching death crawl slowly at bedsides, old age watching senility creep in, youth missing out on a new life, … its changed my palm… without waiting for me to change…

And through these watchful moments, have fretted over the changed time lines on both my palms. The right one of relationships and the left one of relations… neither emerging victorious….

Life is not about relations, and neither is it about emotions…. it is moments sparring through various time lines…. Each moment sparring for attention.

The world has never changed so much … asking for more when less is there!

I am looking for time to change in me… there is nothing in me to change…nothing that is less that I would want more of.

LIFE SPAN – Snap Shots as a Story!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I was lucky… No, I wasn’t… guess I was just ignorant. Life is not all about luck…. It is all about snapshots. It’s all about garnering moments – moments as gossamers. Gathering them, weaving them as different perspectives of films…. It’s all about knowing and not knowing… If you know, you are aware! If you don’t you are just a ware… a warehouse of desires…. And people say its luck… No, I am lot lucky…. I have been a bundle of experiences and obliviousness…. And my life has been a series of dreams captured within moments… with affection, love, intimacies and rejections…

Hmmmm, it started all as a picture postcard (you know quite like the ones you see in tourist places. You put a stamp and send it to the person you love the most) … a sylvan picture captured as in a black white camera. Ironically, I have been trying to get back that picture… but it exists only as nostalgia. A black and white film…. Devoid of all color… and full of all color. Can’t believe that I could get nostalgic about life that has just 2 colors!!!!! My life can’t be so simple… I can’t be so. But that is what I am. (Or at least wish to think I am)… It was a life (a child’s hood) full of visuals… the sounds came later. At times, with lack of synchrony.

Skipping through the rushes, graduating to movies…. I started editing my life. A lot of advertisements… flooded in teenage. It was the age of teenads. I loved it all. I still do. Looking and meeting people… buying in and getting sold out on first love. The free offer (ha ha)… And then with youth... It was my first love, my first commercial film… that to me was a cinema paradiso. Every film had the same story, the same features, the same credits… it was the same formula. And I loved it. J Can you believe it, I would look at Disney world and see my love floating by as the cuddly teddy bear, watch Sci Fi and view it as the distant star yearned for, revel in comedy and would feel the touch in the form of hot tears streaming down my cheeks that were glowing with laughter, hum the songs sensing the melody of its presence. I invested my all… without tiring… confident of retirement benefits. I lived through each moment of my life maturing through plots and subplots… weaving a centralized theme.

Paradiso… presented with breaks, featuring advertisements!!! I didn’t like the ads now… the breaks… the momentary turbulences. If was life full of visuals… synchronized with din. A din that was recorded later….dubbed into the silence of lip movements. One fails to view ‘that’ effort made to achieve perfection. Perfection can be flawed especially when dubbed…

Cinemas end… they do not last more than 3 hours… taking one-third of my life. I walked out of the theater and was part of the crowd… I could feel the beads of perspiration trickle down my spine. It was hot in the inside. The outside was cool… but empty. Ironical!, we feel cool in the emptiness that surrounds us. The temp dips with heightened pressure. Others were geared to watch the same film. I was tempted to stop them. But life is all about getting out of a theater, walking to a parking lot, paying the price for having parked and then leaving. The longer you park, the bigger the price! I paid and left. They will too!!!!!!!!! Maybe not…. But then where would they go? They had to come out! The dilemma of being captured within a frame!

I was out…. One third of my life was done with. I now started making cost-effective films… Over the years, I learnt to work within my means. The economics of film making and living life is something that I learnt on the job… (I still am learning). Have you heard of documentaries? Yes, works well.! Maturity, social cause… and all that blah blah… the fever of doing well. It’s the virus that catches on… works for a short while and then Kaput! Not much viewership. No one wants to see it. What do I do? I still want to be expressive… just as much as the black and white pictures… with all its simplicity. (I still thought life was simple. I still think so!) Life is simple… I complicate it reading patterns in it. My days that had started with “action” now had commenced with ‘’pack up”. I had to do something… had to pack something within myself.

Why. Why do we all want to express ourselves? In some form or the other? As an epitaph, as a verse, an object (I remember, I still think of a grand aunt of mine as the first sun glasses that I bought. She was like it - dark, round and expensive J) Why do we want to express ourselves? Why do I want to do so? Why do I want someone to know me? I don’t know… I want to know. My senses receptive to all that surrounds me… I am part of someone else’s surrounding. Do they sense me? I want to know that! But is it important to know that?

I make only tele serials now! They are easy to deal with. Simple in its story line, complex in its communication; small doses – easy to deal with, wide enough to cover an entirety of passions; proactively forecasting the tomorrow, and in the midst of predictive behaviors giving rise to reactive emotions. I have been doing that, living my life like a tele serial… see more of me tomorrow! The now being lost!

I want the now captured. It’s the immediate that is getting edited. I watch myself in the now, the psyche working on the tomorrow…traveling between the now and the then. Seizing the wind, and thereby ceasing its power. The snip of the scissor, the darkness of the reels, is capturing me. Meaning being lost in the stillness of the similar visuals. Meaning is captured only when the reel rolls, lights penetrate and the world emerges in its entirety. I thought I was happy making split tele serials. But, I am not… especially if you have tasted the passion of making a commercial. I want to get back. I have my zoo bag, my camera of experiences, costumes of emotions, and props of help… I need a story… Can someone give me a story? A simple one!!!!!!!!

"Rock On!"

Rock On – A series of moments unfolding populated with known peopleread and heard of literature and listening to similar notes from different musical instrumentswoven together semantically and metaphorically

A story – confluence of 4 characters – voice, strings, drumsticks, keys
Aditya, meaning the SUN signifying the element of firegenerating passion and enthusiasm experiencing the world through the sensing and the intuitive balanced by

Rob (short of Robert) meaning bright fame, signifying Earththe stable and balancing force…bringing forth compassion and forgivenessensuring Unity with the rest of the forces

Moving into the free flowing flowing Joe - the biblical character sold by his brothers and who then rose into a super power in Egyptchanging shape effortlessly and yet never losing its characterflowing with

The power of the wind, KD drumming through the enclosed airan energy associated with the mind, intellect and visualizationThe movie was complete explanation of the need for togetherness… the basic requirement for all elements to be in sync… and the absence of anyone impacting the other….

One needs to watch the movie keeping the metaphorical represenation of the elements in mind…. And watch its MAGIC come alive…Nothing in a movie / story is a complete imagination…it has its roots in some reality… playing out the mental symbols in the authors mind to its entirety…..

Wonderful movie....