Acalculia Anonymous

I had to get my multiplication tables right. Mom in the kitchen busy making dinner. Dad expected anytime. The doorbell would ring and that would signal the beginning of the evening chores – laying out the plates, having dinner, cleaning up the table and then crash for the day! However it’s the all-inclusive timetable prior to the ringing of the doorbell that has stayed with me.  Sitting cross legged on the kitchen floor, with a math book in my hand and dampened senses (at least I made it seem so), I was crying out loud the multiplication tables, striving to memorize it.  A dip in the inflection, tone, or for that matter anything that could even distinctly allude to a lack of conviction that 5 x 5 is 25 would mean a repeat recitation!!!  

The entire event of trying to memorize the scores was turbulent. The pain was not so much in going through the process as much as watching your sibling, the young master at work... someone, who had gotten the entire thing (dare I say phenomenon) right. If I had got one set right, I would have felt like Buz Aldrin. My brother was the person who could unravel the mystery of these tangled numbers using a magic wand of some sort. He had cracked the code and I hadn’t!!  And guess all of sibling rivalry started right there… on the kitchen floor!

Every child goes through the process and over time learns to deal with the rivalry and of course in my case of not being able to spin the numbers right through school and what more even through college. For many years, I wasn’t sure of how to deal with the fact that I wasn’t good at something  (THAT something being numbers!!!) which my brother was so good at. He just seemed to know it all and here I was, older than him struggling and ALL that mom did was to get us together to memorize them … the operative word being “together”. Guess, she was the only one who knew what was happening there and the WHY behind it all. The principle for bro was simple – get it right the first time and scoot off with friends. I didn’t realize for long that therein lay the blueprint.

Years pass,… and there are still times when I live through the image- and this time with a smile. I continue to struggle on what 5 x 5 is! Bro helps me out when I go shopping. All’s well that end’s well.

It was only till a few days back that the image came back – and this time like the brush strokes of a water color painting – emerging out of the shadows of some secret fissure.  The process that for so long I had struggled with explaining to my colleagues, co-workers and to so many who have sought an answer to the ‘concept of differentiation’! I was struggling through a position paper on Performance Management, the famous (or should I say infamous Bell Curve) when the image of me sitting on the kitchen floor, next to my brother rang out aloud. And with that, the years that followed of me struggling through the maze of numbers.  

And as if like an impulse, my experience of that many years back seemed to be the most logical of moments that I have had. I had been struggling for the last so many years explaining to so many people the need for differentiation through the bell curve. In the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rival because they succeed in adapting themselves  best to the environment. Darwin had come to my rescue to explain the so called rational basis of why my brother could do... what I couldn’t.  He had figured it all out… and I hadn’t – and this difference was the only thing that mattered to me THEN.  A figment of an idea that was the basis of an explanation for all the anger and (I must confess) perhaps jealousy too. My mother, on the other hand, ignored Darwin and had played the calculus card. 

Differentiation (the mathematical term) is a method by which one can find the derivative for a ‘function’ at any point. Mathematically speaking, one could look at a derivative geometrically  (as the slope of a curve) or the physical way (as a rate of change). The slope of a curve translates to the rate of change and the way one could find both is the derivative.  She had banked on everything possible that could influence the slope of my learning curve and thereby bring in that change in me.

The math / derivative had played itself out in its entirety.  Everything required by the definition was true. And considering that everything was true, therein was an example of the concept – of a positive differentiation.  Not once had she tried to push, cajole or pressurize the learning process. I had gathered over a period of time, the motivational factors that governed my brothers learning, learned that it was not just a brush of luck that he had gotten the process right. It was a well thought through function /  a derivative that got him out of the kitchen ASAP. He was in the moment playing out in his head what he needs to do ‘now’, the speed with which it needs to be done to ensure he is elsewhere the next moment. The faster you change, the easier it is to manage the slope and therein lies the difference. 

I had unconsciously perhaps embedded that process in many other facets of my academia.  His ability to be ‘in the moment’ irrespective of what he did – memorized the multiplication tables or the famous speech of Mark Antony, actively skimmed through the voluminous books of Irving Wallace or narrated the humor of Jeeves is something that has stayed with me. I see him today with his daughter in his arms – so totally in the moment....!!

The feeling of dislike towards math which got directed towards a sibling, had translated itself over a period of time to a change in me – the beginning of a slope that branched off on its own. There is no need to work twice as hard to be as successful. There is no glass ceiling. Guess, I have learned to live in the moment too since then. I have realized it just now.  There is the new fangled approach now to the bell curve which I could perhaps propagate – all born on that kitchen floor at some point of time in the past. I need to flesh the ingredients out well.  

The War of the Worlds could well be someone’s Ugly Duckling!

… And I thought I had read it all. Science Fiction has caught my imagination for a long time now. Guess the craze started with Children’s literature and then moved on to the world of Huxley and Wells and Philip Dick! Having lived it for so long a time, it gets difficult to see the world around in any different light. It’s been one those days at work – not so tense, not so stressful – a day when I could afford to look around and observe what is happening around me.  I like these days.  It is a moment when you could figuratively ‘binge and purge’ your imagination – drink in all that is truly happening.  I sure wish I could have a lot more of these. And I recall that it was one such day during college that I picked up Wells …

Have you read HG Wells ‘The War of the Worlds’? Written in 1895, it depicts the conflict between mankind and the aliens. The narrative is in 1^st person, an unnamed protagonist who lives in London as he relates the moments when Earth is invaded by martians. The novel stands out as one of the pioneers  in the field of Science Fiction, and by many, has been interpreted as a piece of literature that offers commentary on evolutionary theory, British Imperialism and even Victorian fears and prejudices. The historical nature of the novel, to me though, has been of little significance. I must confess, that it has been the case with most of what I have read. It is the adaptations of the narrative that has enticed me so often (at least thus far). And, one such,  is its adaptation into a radio drama during the 2^nd world war.

The story was presented as a 60minute narrative, as a series of ‘news bulletins’ which seemed to advocate to an audience, at the brink of a world war, that an alien invasion was in progress. What more, the drama was presented with no commercial breaks; which compounded the impact. Am quite convinced, that it is the radio drama that assured Well’s fame. ! The radio broadcast of this narrative led to a nationwide riot, with people fleeing their houses – most of them not knowing where to head. "Was it fact or truly fiction?" .. was the question that many asked even after being told that it was the latter! The ability of the script writer to wrap the novel into a 1hr commentary, create the immediacy of the invasion, and ensure a script that sliced out the impact is phenomenal. The waves were felt across the continent. It was a day of high adrenaline, of exceeding expectations in more ways than one (for better or worse…)

This allusion to the difference between reality (the original) and the adaptation (radio drama) is particularly so relevant.  The wide spread panic was largely because of the absence of the context. In the throes of fear (a war in this case), one tends to forget what the real world looks like. Did Wells really write a book called ‘The War of the Worlds’? Is it relevant at all? How many of the listeners knew about it. And if they did, how many could recollect.  The reality was the ALLIES and the AXIS and both words so much in beat with ALIENS! There were no sources for differentiation and the boundaries had blurred.

The pulse is the same as of today. The requisite to make the whole shebang ‘relevant’, the demand to ‘leverage’ of what is already available, the pressure to not ‘reinvent the wheel’ and the incessant need of ‘less is more’ tends to mask the reality – a reality where an individual yearns to be original, thirsts for innovation, even disruptive ones perhaps and seeks to be relevant from his / her frame of reference.  The adaptation enticing thus far has become a negotiable moment.  Any narrative lends itself to the moment and a silent panic ensues.  

There is this War of the Worlds struggling in many of us- an unrest caused by the combat between voices (heard, not seen) in a context that could well be the figment of our imagination.  The poise for ingenuity and adaptation and the involvement of both is the need for the hour.  The ugly duckling is lost in a world that is unknown to him …. Yet unaware that round the corner the swans exist! 

The Cold Cloud

Guess there are some revelations that hit you at the dead of the night.  It was around, I guess midnight, while watching TV, and amidst all the sniffing that one experiences with the onslaught of a cold, the constant use of a vaporub and the incessant sipping of rum and hot water; hoping that it will make you feel better – that I heard a shrink (ahem, on the other side of the screen) not so subtly assert “if you want to feel better, take a pill. If you want to get it right, face the truth”

The TV screen for the last few days has been a source of providing the ‘distraction’ that one so needs in the throes of a cold and sore throat. And suddenly, it was more than a distraction for me  ...just then!  Guess, I do want to feel better and the irony of it all…there is no real medicine for the common cold. I just have to wait for it to just ‘go away’ and then there hit me the familiar parenting words ‘why are you suffering so often … why don’t you try and understand the reason… etc etc…??” Guess it was like a jigsaw puzzle that falls into place, all of a sudden. 

It was like becoming aware of a feeling that for long existed – with the knowledge of its existence. Not knowing why it was there, how to deal with it and convinced with the consoling words that one often listens to ‘time will tell! It’s all a matter of time’. Guess, one is made to believe that life’s conundrums are like the common cold demanding the patience of time to heal through.  The anxiety of dealing with a decision taken, the nervousness that follows through, the fear of failure, and perhaps the lure of the pragmatic to stay on with status quo.  The heart and the head are never ever aligned. The head says, take the pill… the heart says, face the truth.  

The expression of my face and the language of my body – inert with the suffering of the most common of ailments and I need to get out of it. The truth is not so much the anxiety of dealing with the decision taken – as much as that of the need to prove the rationale of it. The fact  is not so much in the nervousness of the follow through as much as the need to find some inspiration ..someone who has taken the same road. The veracity is not in accepting the fear of failure but in working through the phase before one meets with success.

This heavy breathing just requires that strength of character and a very obtuse sense of bearing to address the anxiety – to set oneself at an angle and listen to your breath resonate.  It IS quite something…. Listening to yourself breathe.  Guess, I don’t need the pill after all… (not that there is one) for this so common an (h)ailment….

Humour Armour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 There must be a hidden sense of humour in this.... am quite convinced that there is.... whoever, I have narrated this to.... the reactions have ranged from a grimace, to a smile, to a burst of laughter... and I fail to understand why... so, either my ability to notice and acknowledge humour is lost OR worse still, never had one in the first place...

So, the jest started with my driver who attempted to reverse my new vehicle ( a very expensive one) by looking at the side mirrors... he had seen me accomplish that successfully; and obviously was upset that he found it tough to do so without having to turn his body at an angle of 90 degree, crane his neck over the drivers chair, and (not to forget) quickly calculate the distance between the car and the pillar and the wall. Well, he tried, failed and the result was a depletion in my vitamin M (money)..... the so called 2nd free service was hardly free... the service station welcomed me, the mechanic smiled at me, and my life came to a screeching halt on looking at the bill ... Anyways, this was just the beginning of a day in my life which would seem to unfold unlimited reasons for people around me to giggle.... and I was the only one far from being tickled...

Clearly, I shoudn’t have displayed my ability to reverse my vehicle without having to crane my neck.... If I had adopted the acrobatics that my driver uses day on day, I wouldn’t have been spending so much time in the gym or on those innumerable massages that promised me a slim waistline!!!!! A twist of my waist, a turn of my neck would have ensured a slimmer ME and a FAT pocket.......

AND then I go and narrate it to a colleague who responds with “you mean women can park a car using the mirror?????”..... and that was funny???? Coz the sentence is punctuated with a LAUGH... and so do some of my women colleagues... So, are they laughing at his remark, my depleted bank balance, or at themselves??? I am confused!!!!!!

The point being - there is a framework that we seem to be all operating in... my driver is supposed to be more adept than me, my colleague believes that as a gender there is a WAY in which I will always operate, and myself of course, reacting to a so called bigotry (and I choose to call it bigotry coz it sounds advantageous to me ....)

A series of events... starting with my car, my colleagues reaction and then with a friend who raises an objection at work to the kind of humour that is depicted at an official gathering. .. She was ‘objectified’!!! And the men apologise - ”if you find it insensitive, we apologize”...

IF - the word endorses a hypothetical situation... the event is not hypothetical, the humour is for real, the bigotry is glaring... and the word IF dangles! All hell let loose, leaders upset.... it is the event and the starkness of the bias that one is NOT SUPPOSED to harbour that enrages all... and all efforts made to ensure that the ‘right’ message is flaunted....a series of warnings!!!!! There is laughter at the crass sense of humour and a repleted smile at actions taken and my colleague is beaming - All’s well that End’s well!!! A Shakespearean end to a corporate drama.

And I am all the more confused! What sense am Isupposed to make of this???

There must be some sense in this action ..... Warnings to eradicate bigotry!!!!! Admonitions to ensure that we respect women! And all this done and finally laid to rest with a smile of satisfaction... Judgement given, jury dismissed..... A Hamletian comedy of errors! Imagine, Hamlet voicing ‘to be or not to be’ and his twin miles away trying to just understand the word BE and then attempting to translate it into her every day existence.... one confused between options, the other not sure if there is an option at all...

There was a time when I was aware that there were issues that one dealt with ... and I was then convinced that the issue in such instances was far more fundamental and therefore could not be addressed by speaking TO the event. We had to look at what 'drives' the event - a thought process! There was a time when I thought I knew what the thought process was... today, I don’t....

For an entire race to look at an event and pass a judgement - there must be something that drives them to do so....and this entire race cannot be suffering from myopia .... and if there is a sense of comfort in being myopic, then there must be a sense of humour fraught in it.... a sagacity that I have not been privy to! And, I am calling it a sense of humour as I am convinced that “the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humour in it” - sayeth Frank A Clark who ministered thousands of people through his one panel newspaper cartoons......

There is a problem...can someone VOICE it for me... and even more fundamentally, find the right words to voice it... and then find the humour in it.... and please even explain it to me... coz I seem to be the only lonely confused sole amongst the laughing souls!!!!!

Weaving a diary of words....

I learnt a new word today ... velleity, meaning “a mere wish, unaccompanied by an effort to obtain it”.... And as if there were these amazing linkages that the world has in store for you, the mere word triggered the thought of an uncle of mine who was a palmist and would often read my hand whenever we used to visit his place in Mumbai... and tell us of the wondrous days that was in store for us. I would on my way back as a young girl look at my palms and wonder where the words were written... and back we would go to him again months later and the process would start all over again.... seemingly telling us that the writing on the palm may have changed or perhaps have changed. Was it the soap that I used? A simple question for a 10 year old.... but a question that hasn’t gotten answered as yet.

And today, when I heard the word ‘velleity’, it was like going back to one of those moments when I asked my uncle if I would get all that I wished for (am sure there was something objectified there... and am assuming that a young girl could have limited her wishes then to dolls, books, nail polish... or the like... things would have been different though)... he smiled, and heaved a sigh, (the sigh was more like the puff of cigarette smoke that emanated from his mouth when he would step out to smoke... and all of us would stealthily go to watch him smoke)... well, he heaved a sigh and said “ if you really want something, and want it strongly, the mere power of the desire will get you to your destination”..... I have often wondered what that meant and it was more like those dialogues that you listen to in movies, that stay with you.... some driven with powerful feelings, a few by its potent words, and many a times by the prevailing presence of the artiste...

The feeling of wanting was the same always through the years.... the direction changed though... books, cosmetics, travels, clothes, person / people you longed to be with.... and as always the power of the desire stayed the same....Some desires satiated, some not so .... And one wonders if those insatiated cravings were due to the frailty of its very nature... is there a measurement for it at all? Working in a corporate world, one gets conditioned to measuring everything... or perhaps it is the Indian mind so obsessed with the power of the zero that we get attuned to deal with ambiguities.... unravelling the power of null that plays its central role in all mathematics.... So is the null / the zero / the absence of wanting something so integral to what we term as the SUM of life...

So whether it is the power of the zero, or the knowledge that Velleity exists, guess I have today gained strength from what the late Harivanshrai Bachchan once told his son ...”Man ka ho to achha, man ka na ho, to aur bhee achha”....call it velleity, or not..... I am satiated with what exists and also not exists.... the power of the word I guess... you learn one word and that triggers a range of thoughts .....

2010 - The call of Diana.... the maiden huntress!!

A new-fangled year... a spirited welcome....
A feeling of fresh hope...kindled with moments of yesteryears
looking into a crystal ball speaking of new relationships
Old ones growing wine by the years.... savoured in sips...
New ones brightening elsewhere....waiting to be guzzled...
Diana growing in the shadows.... bigger than self, engulfing, at times slighter
Desiring the innocent strength of Obelix,
Yearning the adventure of Herge,
Wishing the magic of Mandrake,
Lusting for the passion of Phantom.... that sweeps Diana into his cave...
beating the drums of fervour to all hamlets near and far....

be a Diana -
She is the hunted... for she craves...
as well the maiden hunter protecting the wild and the free....
The love of life goes far and beyond....
to family, friends and foe, to manuscripts and melody....
creating and recreating....
Like, words, as Eliot said.... RELATIONSHIPS, that strain, crack and break
under the burden of the tension – born of expectations...
It has slipped, slid, and perished...
decayed with imprecision.... with the demand to confer it a name...
Shrieking voices from the temples scream, scold and mock to give it a name...
Is a name that so important?
The maiden huntress hungers to be free of a name for her affairs...
strained with the expectations of these infinite names....family, friends and foe....
Why is there so much faith in a relationship that craves for a NAME? ...
An assurance in an external, a loyalty for the peripheral.... ???????

SPEND the new day, month, year, decade, a lifetime ...
lifting the insane pattern born from this need for the title....
.... be a hobbit to baptize the scale of the sin nombre ...
blend the unknown, the mysterious namelos.... into the details of your movement....
The templed ugly duckling transforming to a Hans Swan....
wearing the glass shoe that helps us look through at the ground we tread on....
Be the pied piper of your dreams...

Transform the hunter and the hunted.... to the seeker and the sought
By the nature of your essence...
Beyond the name.... the species....
...thus breathing SIMPLE life into even more SIMPLER love...
a thought, an idea, an ambition born from the quintessential self....
AMEN too ALL that we wake up with a smile for... and therefore LIVE....

Hallucinating Reality...!

I took that stroll of mine.... at the desired time of my day when darkness has shrouded the world.... listening to Omar’s Passage into Midnight... swinging my hand like it was making love to the strings of a violin.... I love this time of mine....it’s like standing perpetually under a mistletoe kissing the sweetness of one’s own existence... my walk through the forest of my thoughts.... wondering over the remnants of all that happened during the day... and how I pained to pen it down to words... not all the time can one do it...


And it is that moment that I had relived that exact day when I had seen Dr Flake and Ms Hide in one of those crazy excursions I had taken... a sojourn with unknown acquaintances, a tent in the forest, trekking through unknown terrain and it was on one such trip that I met this guy.... the exhaustion of the trek that was trying to die out in the midst of a bonfire and with people trying to drown their fatigue in spirit and music.... sitting leaning against the bark of an old tree... the light against him... just the shadow of a silhouette.... a muscular body, the one that women would just want to look so longingly at and give those very silent sighs ...

I walked up to this shadow, wine in hand, hoping to strike up that conversation... which I hoped would satiate one’s curiosity... just those simple questions of who are u... what do u do... do u live in (hopefully the city where I live...etc etc....) ... and with that hope walked up to him.... and said the proverbial hi.... he looked up from his glass (realized that he had been staring at the still liquid floating in his glass for a while).... and smiled... stood up and came out of the shadows.... it was like a blessing emerging... that one single moment of happiness that one searches for.... it was the pair of eyes that had captured that instantaneous moment of satisfaction that we yearn for.... a pair that I had never ever seen before... deep, silent, pacifying and loving.... it was a sight that would take away the fatigue of the day.... eyes that u would implore to have touch every sensation of your being.... just sampling the check you out look!!!

The conversation went on for a while... more a monologue.... with me doing the talking and his eyes and lips usually in synchronicity nodding away in agreement or just smiling in disagreement.... it wasn’t the need to listen to my own voice that made me continue speaking as much as to watch that smile that would gush into his eyes making my whole world dance.... sensing the slightest of sensations.... feeling the earth revolve, the slight so slow movement, the slight crackling of the bonfire which was on its way of dying out... the touch of that slight doggamer that grazed through my hand earlier that morning... a web I just didn’t see but the slightest of its glue that I felt....

I stopped suddenly, turned, and walked away... fully aware of the abruptness of the halt.... my ears were blistering ... for no reason whatsoever... I walked away abashed and ashamed.... “Isn’t he something? Did he make your heart pound; I see your ears are searing..... Well, that is the effect he has on all”... a voice whispered into my ear... I turned to see this little lady looking up at me.... and despite her slight stature and demeanour she had managed to whisper these so comforting words right into my ear....

These are those well defined moments that occur in one’s lifetime.... a flash when someone from the world of homo sapiens includes you in the race and the very fact of inclusion disbars you from festering any adversarial feelings towards humanity.... I looked at her relieved and strained and said “yes ... there is something magnetic about him....and I wonder what?”..... She smiled, took my hand seated me on a tree trunk that seemed to have been put there at that very moment for me.... it was like being in touch with your roots.... ironically!!! “Well, he is a lesbian....and that is the reason he has this effect on you!”....

Funny are the ways of the human language....”Gay you mean... !”..... “No, I meant a lesbian....” and she smiled....”do you recall how he introduced himself...? What did he say was his name?” I pressed the rewind button... reeling back moments of my talking to him...”hi,” he had said” “I am Flake Anna Hide”.... and not for one moment had it struck me as being different... a guy with a girl’s name.....”U mean he is a girl trapped in a man’s body? I don’t understand....!”

And what ensured was a tale that I had never ever heard before.... a tale that is impossible to believe in..... that left me wondering of the varying impossibilities of the human psyche... and the fear of delving deep into anyone’s or for that matter one’s own psyche.... a person with 2 personalities.... one as a man and the other as a woman.... it sounds absurd but true... I just cannot recall his name beyond Flake right now... this was a Dr Flake and Ms Hide.... a lady most of the times hiding in the shadows of a Flake.... he had moved through life with these 2 personalities... coexisting beautifully ... appealing to people the way HE needed to.... and one would wonder at times who he really was.... who was the overriding personality... was it the guy or the girl....

There could be a lot of psychoanalyses that one could possibly do on this... the what and the why.... however; at that moment when I was told about the truth (or was it the truth?) just one thought struck me.... what is it about him that attracted me the most...his male demeanour or his just so soft and deep eyes.... whatever it was, the feeling was that of making out.... so often women talk about the times when they make out with their loved and not so loved ones... of the magical and the not so magical moments...guess the magical moments when one is touched the way one wants to be.... and at times I wonder if it is really true that only a woman knows how another woman should be touched? Somehow, I thought ...’I guess not’... he had touched my existence just the way I had wanted him to...

Embarrassed by these thoughts I moved on... wondering on the shreds of human nature... you touch a human being and what you get is a small flake of it... the little that you know and have reached out to.... and when you meet the person again, it’s something different again... like a snake that sloughs off its skin and grows a new one.... is it a new being all together? One really wonders..... and what’s more intriguing is the impact that one event has on you... and the ripple effect it creates.... the linking of unrelated moments... as if we WANT to link them.... and somehow somewhere in that moment of truth when I had recognized the ambivalence of Dr Flake and Ms Hide, was ingrained my moment of understanding my self mate... (as against a soul mate which recognizes the existence of the other... the self mate in love with oneself!)

It was all about a person struggling to work through innumerable and inane priorities.... we prioritise our work, ourselves, our needs, our work life.... and somewhere hidden amidst all of that was the need of the person to look at things as they are... as the self wishes it to be.... Flake and Hide had managed to sift through the myriad moments of a perfectly routine day seeking solace in the immediate of that self that was supreme at that moment in time... so, if Flake was the power, it was the strong man.... and if Hide decided to come forth, it was the softness that burst out... both blending in one being.... the world saw it as schizophrenia... a disorder.... I see it as the sub conscious self enabling a person to deal with all that one desires ... just at THAT moment in time – power and submissiveness, strength and gentleness ... all of the yin and yang rolled into one....

“If we talk to God, its prayer... if God talks to us its schizophrenia!?” one wonders of the irony of this statement..... And Flake Hide had been diagnosed Schizophrenic!!!! And it was as if at that precise moment I felt God talking to me... the schizophrenia in me surfacing.... a man walking through the night in pitch darkness bursting his torch through the wilderness lightened a small part of an overgrown shrub; and as if destiny just then would so have it.... the headlights of a passing vehicle cloaked it with a beam.... Life was such I guess when we see moments of reality wearing the veil of truth peering at us through those small fissures, unveiling the paramecium disparities between one another in our lives...and then we see them all fused together revealing the so called bigger picture, the whole being.... Moments of schizophrenia!!!! Listening to the sound of the fission in our fusions....

The story of Flake and Hide was all encompassing the reality of each of our existence.... MY existence.... the real me or us revealing in its most vulnerable, soft and weak moments ....to our alter egos and to our self and soul mates... dancing through together hallucinating each other’s reality....