I still remember the look of shock on my grandmother’s face when I cried out in anguish, “Why do I need to get married to have a child?” I have struggled with this connection for a long time. I fail to see the connection between getting married, having a child and becoming a parent. Seems to indicate that one leads to the other and that there is no other way.
I still don’t understand it; however, today, am just intrigued by the conviction of this connection hard wired by one so many. Today, I don’t wonder. I know for a fact that I don’t need to be married to experience partnership. I don’t need to have a child to be a parent. I don’t need to get pregnant to be a mom. This knowledge and understanding gives me a sense of security which in turn helps me nourish my relationships.
It has been over a month since I interviewed Ms Sushmita Sen and a sense of accomplishment has gripped me since then. I wonder what the accomplishment is all about? It has taken me a while to make sense of it. The topic was that of ‘adoption’ – something that is so close to my heart. In the last month alone, it has been referred to by many as the ‘ highest sense of altruism’, and a ‘noble cause’ – both definitions that I have that so often struggled with immensely.
The premise of altruism and a noble cause is built on the fact that an individual – the person concerned, cares about the needs and happiness of the other(s) more than their own; and that it requires the person to be of a high moral character working for an ideal, a principle, a goal or a movement.
I doubt if parenting is altruistic and I wonder if motherhood is a noble cause. What I do know and believe is that it is a choice that I make – to be or not to be a parent – and when I go with the former, I have an option – biological or adoption.
It is that choice that I see myself ‘adopting’ and the qualities required to nourish and witness a life blossom. The first step of adoption when I bring my child home. The circle is complete when over a period of time the child adopts me. It is a 2-way street that demands adopting a mindset; that as Sushmita Sen pointed out is ‘audacious’ – an audacity that is compelling and influencing at the same time. It is a choice that brings an entire family together and unifies it to care for that one person; who they have made a choice to bring into their life and that completes them.
The choice is a decision made and the adoption is complete with the child’s acceptance. The identity is established then. I have 2 siblings who have made this choice and I see them work towards it and on this journey tirelessly.
Adoption is about saying – I choose to be a parent and the ‘how’ is also my choice. It demands my accepting the fact that parenting is not a free ticket to the identity of a parent. It is earned – a journey that is hard, arduous, and it is for me to make it rewarding (for both). It is a journey that is not marked by bearing a child; rather by bearing witness to its life.
Adoption doesn’t happen – I make it happen … and the journey begins!
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